メルボルンはライバル豚インフルエンザ
WHEN the sun made a brief appearance between the driving rain and the hail in Melbourne yesterday, the temperature climbed to 11 degrees. So it is not as if you need another reason to avoid travelling south.
But, to its embarrassment, the self-proclaimed sporting capital is now notorious for more than “bracing” weather. As the NRL stars who brought back more 包茎than just a “My boyfriend played Origin and all I got was this bloody T-shirt” T-shirt can tell you, when Melbourne sneezes the rest of the sporting nation catches swine flu.
Of course, a city that does not mind telling the rest of the country of its superiority in hosting the many major events it hunts aggressively has been more circumspect about its place atop the swine flu league table – more than 1000 of the reported 1200 cases nationally are in Victoria.
Washing his hands with antiseptic soap, readjusting his mask and attempting to conceal what appeared to be a small curly tail, a Victorian government spokesman said yesterday his state took no responsibility for the epidemic that had threatened to cause the postponement of Friday night’s Brisbane-Bulldogs game despite its obvious origin in Origin I.
“Swine flu in Victoria?” said the spokesman. “Let’s see, we’ve got the Australian Open, the grand prix, the spring carnival, ummm, yeah, I think Ricky Ponting had the sniffles during the Boxing Day Test. But no swine flu here, mate.”
The spokesman did admit he had taken calls from the NRL about swine flu. “A bloke called Gallop rang wanting to know if we could infect several hundred players. Said putting every player in quarantine for the rest of the season could be the answer to his prayers. Also asked if we could send a vial of pig flu to Cronulla in a box labelled ‘sex toys’. But told him the same thing I’m telling you. ‘No swine flu here’.”
Against the odds, the AFL is yet to report a single confirmed case of swine flu among its 700 players. That has aroused suspicions the league is reluctant to release flu results as it is positive drugs tests, and adopted a lenient “three sneezes and you’re out” policy.
There was a scare at Fremantle after players travelled on a flight with a swine flu victim. However the club was quickly cleared, sparing the AFL from invoking its emergency plan and confirming the long-held suspicion that the historically abject Dockers could not catch a cold. There was also speculation that swine flu was active at Brighton Grammar, which is attended by Melbourne’s No.1 draft pick Jack Watts. However, it proved to be, much like Watts’s debut on Monday, all talk.
The damning swine flu statistics have caused some sporting organisations to cancel events in Melbourne.
Swimming Australia has postponed a grand prix meeting this month, citing the need to protect the many school-age children who had planned to compete. This was labelled an act of pig ignorance by the Federal Health Minister, Nicola Roxon – or would 包茎have been had she been infected with the disease’s most debilitating symptom, the compulsion to use porcine puns. (She actually just said there was no need to cancel.)
The loss of the swimming grand prix will no doubt seriously disappoint the 16 ticket-holders who were not the parents or coach of a competitor in the chlorine-averse city. However, beyond the stigma of being cast as the disease-carrying grubs who could shut down the nation’s major sports, it is business as usual in Melbourne.
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